Excerpts from "Why Does He Do That?" (abuse)

Inside The Mind…

Excerpts from “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft

Ø  Definition of an Abuser: A man with recurring problems with disrespecting, controlling, insulting, or devaluing his partner-whether or not his behavior also includes more explicit verbal abuse, physical aggression, or sexual misconduct.

Ø  Abuse has very little to do with how a man feels and everything to do with how he thinks.

The core problem is a distorted sense of right and wrong and the belief that abusing or controlling is justifiable.

Ø  It is common for men to feel some guilt or discomfort about their abusive behavior, but simultaneously believe strongly the validity of his excuses and justifications.

Ø  Does he abuse me because he is mentally ill? It is his value system that is unhealthy, not his psychology. Mental illness does not cause abusiveness.

Ø  An abuser frequently tells you what you should think and tried to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and beliefs.

Ø  Abusers become attached to the various privileges that they earn by operating with power and control. Utilize depersonalization and objectification to justify entitlement.

Ø  Abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or attempting to manage your partner.

Ø  The abuser draws you into focusing on the turbulent would of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks.

Ø  He takes away your rights, especially your right to be angry with him.