Inside The Mind…
Excerpts from “Why
Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft
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Definition of an Abuser: A man with
recurring problems with disrespecting, controlling, insulting, or devaluing his
partner-whether or not his behavior also includes more explicit verbal abuse,
physical aggression, or sexual misconduct.
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Abuse has very little to do with how a man feels
and everything to do with how he thinks.
The core problem is a distorted sense of
right and wrong and the belief that abusing or controlling is justifiable.
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It is common for men to feel some guilt or
discomfort about their abusive behavior, but simultaneously believe strongly
the validity of his excuses and justifications.
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Does he abuse me because he is mentally ill? It
is his value system that is unhealthy, not his psychology. Mental illness does
not cause abusiveness.
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An abuser frequently tells you what you should
think and tried to get you to doubt or devalue your own perceptions and
beliefs.
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Abusers become attached to the various
privileges that they earn by operating with power and control. Utilize
depersonalization and objectification to justify entitlement.
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Abuse is not a product of bad relationship
dynamics and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or
attempting to manage your partner.
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The abuser draws you into focusing on the
turbulent would of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true
cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks.
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He takes away your rights, especially your right
to be angry with him.
